Tips to writing the first online dating email

Since I wrote this post on online dating emails, I’ve had a bunch of questions on first emails, plus a few examples that guys wanted me to critique for them.

Some of the messages these guys are sending are really good, and some of them need work.

I’m seeing the same mistakes over and over in the messages, and I want to go over some of the problems these guys are having with their first online dating emails, as well as things to keep in mind when you write your messages.

The Top three mistakes guys are making with their first online dating emails

1. The messages are too needy.
Guys, you have to walk that fine line between being courteous and respectful vs. wimpy and needy. But it’s far better to TELL her what you want instead of HOPING for it.

Here’s an example where someone changed one of the emails I have here on the blog and it totally changed the tone of the message making it work against the guy who sent it.

His last paragraph read, “Please send a quick note back. Would love to hear back from you.”

The first sentence is too weak. It’s can be seen as you asking her to grant you the honor of sending you a message. You have to respectfully tell her what you expect. You want to say something like, “Take a look at my profile and shoot me a message.”

The second sentence can come off as you sounding like you are hoping she’s going to reply, but you don’t expect her to. It also lacks confidence.

People act according to our expectations a lot of the time, so a better way to write that is “Looking forward to talking hearing from you. Talk soon—(Your name)”

2. Not putting anything specific in your email that shows you read her profile.
The good news is that you guys are reading her profile!!! Now we just have to write something in your first message that shows you read it.

Telling her you liked her profile and she sounds like an amazing person is okay, but it doesn’t prove you actually read it.

I try to quote something she said, or say that she mentioned such-and-such in her profile and I think X about it.

3. Mentioning her looks.

It’s too early to say anything about her looks. Do not even indicate that you see her as a sexual object yet. Period. I’m tired of saying this. Just don’t do it.

4. Giving too many compliments.
This mistake might be my fault. In a blog post about writing first online dating emails, I said to comment on the things you like in her profile.

But, this can be overdone and I didn’t explain that clearly. I would say to compliment her or try to make a connection with her with 2 examples from her profile, maybe 3… but no more.

If you do more than that, it makes you seem too invested before you get a response to her.

But… and this is a BIG but, the messages I send that are long… and the messages that I’ve seen other guys send that are long, can be incredibly successful. You just have to word them right, and that’s not easy to do at first. So stick to a shorter message that mentions 2 or 3 things that show you read her profile.

So, with that said here are some things you want to keep in mind when writing that first online dating email

Writing a first online dating email

You have to show that you are interested in her, but not too interested.

The secret is always to be investing less time and effort in the relationship than she is. If you send the first message, you are already at a disadvantage because she has invested nothing and you have invested the time to write her a message.

You can’t totally overcome this, but you can get around it to some extent by telling her that you are on your way to do something cool but she seemed SO interesting that you just HAD to send her a message.

I use something like this, “I’m on my way to meet my friends at the take off site, we are going flying today, but I really liked your profile and had to write you quick before I head out.”

Second, assume that she is going to look at your profile and respond to you

You can ask her to look at your profile, but assume that she is going to like it, like you, and be compelled to write you back. This confidence will show through and separate you from almost everyone she gets a message from.

And fianlly, be authentic.

I can’t tell you how many emails I see from guys who send them in to me, or guys who have responded to one of my fake female profiles who sound like they are parroting the latest bullshit they read on some dating site.

Be real. Be genuine. Be honest.

If you want more about emails, I have free stuff here on the blog and some good emails in two of my products. The link to my best online dating email blog posts. And this link will take you to Instant Internet Attraction, where you can get my crash course in online dating. Or this product for Magnetic Profiles which has a section on writing emails as well as how to write a killer profile.

And as always, you can send me your questions. I’ll personally answer all of them, but I’m starting to get overwhelmed and it might take me awhile.

Talk soon—JT